A somewhat scattered collection of notes, thoughts and ideas

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

The Release of a Mental Struggle

What do you call it when someone goes out of their way to make you feel down, feel bad about yourself and even try to make you feel ashamed of something that you know you shouldn't need to feel ashamed about? What do you call it?

The word that comes to mind is 'bullying'. But what do you call that when it's someone who is supposed to love you, someone who is supposed to be your support system and who usually would be the person there for you when you'd feel you couldn't turn to anybody else? Does that still count as bullying?

Or does that count as something worse, because unlike normal bullies, where you can go home and shut the door on them and hopefully get some peace, this is something else? This is the kind of bullying, where when you're at home and it starts, you just want to be able to leave and go somewhere else, anywhere else. But you can't always do that, because it's late at night or you simply have nowhere else to go.

When the people you love the most, can reduce you to tears and then walk about the house carrying on with the many jobs that need doing and not notice, surely that's something worse than bullying? When they don't even show an ounce of regret or concern as to why you're upset.

Something happened to me at work a few months ago. My role changed. I didn't agree with the reasons and I didn't agree with the change, but my voice of reason told me that being moved into a different role, was better than being shown the door, especially when I work for a company I adore. When I came home, I spoke to this person about it, and expressed upset but also relief. She expressed disappointment anger and shame. She continues to refer to my new role as a 'demotion' even though that's not what it is. If a company tell you they feel you're not as well suited to your role as they originally hoped, and have the opportunity to basically give you your marching orders, but instead tell you that they consider you to be a role model of the company's values and would like to, with your consent, move you into another role instead which they feel you'd be more suited to, then surely that's not a demotion. It's a positive thing. And yet this person, the one whose pride I strive to have, looks down on it as something to be ashamed of.

When I told her about it, the first thing she said to me, was to please not tell my aunt or my father or  any of her friends because it's embarrassing. So, aside from a handful of my very closest friends, no one knows about this. I'm breaking my silence about it now, because I'm fed up of being made to feel ashamed and like I'm an embarrassment, and I'm horrified that this person, who is supposed to love me unconditionally, can be happy to make me feel this way.

So hear it goes; I'm no longer a German SME Customer Care Advisor, because my 'quality feedback' states that due to a few minor German grammar mistakes and punctuation errors, I'm not good enough to be in that role. Instead I have been moved into a normal English Speaking Customer Care Advisor role and yes, my salary has dropped. But I still have a job. I still work for my money. So I don't think I should need to be embarrassed about anything and I'm fed up of being made to feel otherwise about it in my own home.

The weight is off my shoulders and I don't feel ashamed anymore..... and breathe.

If you feel you can relate to this post, please drop me a comment or give me a like.


  1. The fact that most physicians suffering from mental disorders such as depression or anxiety do not seek help, fearing that it would hinder their professional life, points at the deep-seated bias related to mental disorders.guarantor


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